I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
