Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
