it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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