my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
