I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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