but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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