I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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