I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
