Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
