I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
