She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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