So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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