Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
