I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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