my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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