Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
