I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
