That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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