i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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