in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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