On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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