just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
