I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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