I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
