You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I believe in your delicious
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