Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
