Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
