I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Redeem this text for a blowjob
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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