I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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