ADVERTISEMENT

• (765): View more from Indiana

  just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

  Fav 25 2025 1105

  share tweet
  

• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's the American dream

  Fav 31 4593 1170

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am

  Fav 6 5144 1114

  share tweet
  

• (917): View more from New York City

  half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

  Fav 262 21110 2542

  share tweet
  

• (917): View more from New York City

  So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat

  Fav 9 1051 6112

  share tweet
  

• (678): View more from Georgia

  As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.

  Fav 3 3091 1034

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (515): View more from Iowa

  Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time

  Fav 10 2009 915

  share tweet
  

• (716): View more from New York

  Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?

  Fav 0 691 510

  share tweet
  

• (727): View more from Florida

  So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.

  Fav 4 1050 657

  share tweet
  

• (845): View more from New York

  If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth

  Fav 0 413 196

  share tweet
  

• (513): View more from Ohio

  he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...

  Fav 0 203 271

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (248): View more from Michigan

  Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.

  Fav 1 229 327

  share tweet
  

• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends

  Fav 4 232 179

  share tweet
  

• (740): View more from Ohio

  I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  And...?

  Fav 0 400 162

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (859): View more from Kentucky

  She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.

  Fav 0 68 26

  share tweet
  

Randomize