my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
