Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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