apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
