She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
