I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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