I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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