felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
