This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize