I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
