I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
