Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
