I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
