also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Found your dick twin last night
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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