He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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