Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
