im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
