The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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