woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
