Christians are straight up FREAKS
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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