So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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