o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
