I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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