dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
