yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
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