I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
