I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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