I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
